Generosity of Thought

 

“The closeness we shared seems to have vapourized overnight and I can see no reason for this! Her calls have stopped and there’s no warmth in the messages she returns in response to mine.”

“Perhaps, she’s busy, preoccupied with important stuff. Why don’t you talk to her and clear the air?”

“I can understand folks being busy, but can’t understand this sudden change in her attitude. In fact, I myself have been so busy and even in the thick of problems. When I say the change has happened overnight, it’s literally that. The last time we met, there was so much laughter and companionship. It’s almost a month now since we’ve even spoken and I now feel a certain distance between us. Her behaviour hurts me and puzzles me because I know I’ve done nothing to offend her or cause pain.”

“I guess it’s best you talk to her about this and break the ice, if her friendship really matters to you.”

This was a conversation I’d heard between two young ladies while waiting in the departure lounge at Mumbai airport before the beginning of the lockdowns. It came back to mind when a few kids, preteens expressed similar sentiments, following tiffs they’d had with each other. 

The incident set me thinking – of how in this journey of life, we continue to lose fellow passengers not physically when occasioned by death, but emotionally.

I’ve observed all kinds of relationships turn sour and die an unfortunate death. I’ve seen siblings sever ties and go to their graves with their grievances intact, best of friends fall apart, married couples who have lived well for decades suddenly part ways. Relationships falter, flounder, and hit the rock, triggered by misunderstandings that are frequently nothing more than perceived notions, baseless misconceptions.

The words “...if her friendship really matters to you”, continues to reverberate in my ears.  Honestly, this perhaps is the crux of the matter. How important is any relationship in our frame of reference that we’d want to keep them alive, nurture and treasure them? Not merely have them afloat when trust, understanding, respect and love – the very pillars on which they are founded – have ebbed from them.

In a rapidly advancing technological era where “use and throw” has fast replaced ‘durability’ in respect of tangibles, meaningful and enduring companionships are becoming a rarity. Marriage, family, and friendship, are degenerating as institutions. In fact, to refer to them as institutions may even be a misnomer.

While I do not wish to make generalisations or a blanket statement, I may not be far off the mark in defining a large section of humanity as “Time servers all” because of the manner in which they interact with each. It wouldn’t be surprising to see ‘relationship’ soon being nudged out of dictionaries. For, most earthly associations revel in a brief honeymoon before plummeting from cloud nine, engulfed by flames of familiarity.  And this is fanned amply by fertile imaginations which are at best tunnel visions, prompted by suspicions and negativity. Do we say that it’s all about familiarity breeding contempt? No matter the words we choose to describe the situation, at the root of the malady is a lack of generous thinking.

Thoughts precede action. Instead of jumping to conclusions, how often do we stop to ask ourselves, ‘did her words mean something else? Am I simply over-reacting, attributing unkind, unjust, ulterior motives to something really inane and innocuous? Or, may be something is bothering her and hence she behaved or spoke the way she did!’  Contrary to this, we actually find it easier to say, ‘I know what I meant when I said what I did. I’m not responsible if she misinterpreted my words!’

Words are paradoxically, wonderfully and woefully, elastic. One can twist and turn then to tunes euphonious or cacophonous in keeping with our thinking. How often we are willing to entertain rumours relating to our friends and well-wishers, than be steadfast in trusting them, having faith in them! A wee spark is all that is sometimes required to vilify those we had hitherto held dear. In the face of tottering faith, can relationships thrive? Or for that matter, would such an association qualify to be termed ‘relationship’?  At best, it would be a casual acquaintance!

So often, breakups happen because both parties are hesitant and unwilling to take the first step to clear the cobwebs. Most often the small three-letter EGO plays villain, preventing people from reaching out, reaching across. Simply put, it’s like “for want of a nail a kingdom was lost”.  Silence may not always be golden; it creates space for needless speculations and minds become cesspools of uncharitable thoughts. With time, they gather volume and momentum so much so that ill-perceived assumptions and scepticism morph into truth because this is what the mind wills and wishes to believe!

Solutions may verge from the simple to the complex, but their starting point lies in communication. Anger, ego, overthinking to find meaning where there is none, low self-respect and self-esteem, and diffidence about oneself, could all be at the root of misunderstandings. But no matter from where they stem, misinterpretations of words and gestures, emerge from a lack of generous thinking.

The process of de-weeding involves journeying inwards, to become conversant with our own self. This would enable us to view others in a new and better light.

 

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