What is my calling?

 

It’s over a year since my pitches to publications have ceased – a choice I’ve consciously made. My thought process has acquired a new dimension - well, not entirely new, I would say. What had always been a part of me, safely stashed away in the recesses of my subconscious perhaps, has surfaced with a vengence.

From writing to make a wee bit of pocket money, to delight on seeing my bylines, I now wish to make a shift - to write for the self, to do some soul-searching, perhaps to discover myself. Needless to say I am currently navigating turbulent seas! Self-created turbulence I admit, occasioned by a restless mind that is witnessing a deluge of thoughts.

This onslaught of thoughts is as diverse as it is complex. The fact is, I do not wish to plod through life and allow myself to flow with the tide. I have to achieve, accomplish, and do something! Do what? Not something that will catapult me to fame, bring me name or wealth. No, this is not what I seek - and perhaps, this is the only objective I'm sure of - of not wanting all this. Importantly, I need to find my bearing, to calm the mind to a state of equilibrium, by discovering my calling.  That is, if I am destined to have one! Fortunately for me, the good part of all this rumination is that, the tumultous and ideating mind, constantly in motion, does not verge on the depressive or negative. 

Which makes me ponder deeply, the issue: does every one born in this vast wide world have a calling? The flood of doubts, questions, they are never-ending. I have always been puzzled and intrigued by friends and acquaintances who seem happy and in harmony with themselves, happy, simply to be, discharging mundane household chores and taking care of their families.  Then there are the others who appear to be in a cozy zone, filling almost every minute of their lives attending kitty parties, club-hopping, watching mega soaps that portray human creatures in their darkest elements, or, even doing nothing at all!

Diametrically opposite to this lot of 'happy' people are those like my sister and several others her ilk who live power-packed days, achieving something all the time - in the sense of living satisfying lives - venturing into fields they probably did, or did not dream of. They discover themselves anew, hone talents which perhaps they did not think they had! I am zapped by their spirit and verve, and they pack much more in the day than I can even dream of doing at this juncture. Not because I am short-charged on time, not because external forces thwart my efforts and eat into my time.

The problem is ME and my urge to know the path I am walking! And to know this, I need to get back to basics, to know who I am and for what purpose I am here. Tall task, a daunting search.  I believe that creativity of any kind, and in fact, even the passionate and enthusiastic pursuit of one's job, can be cathartic.  As writing is for me. Or is it? It seems paradoxical that even as I remain a skeptic on my writing skills and aptitude, I choose to put it to the acid test - to see if it will enable me to unravel myself on this introspective journey, to find that important calling.

I do not know when and where this rocky sail will drop anchor. And when it does, I do not know whether it is to pause, ponder and alter course. Or perhaps, would it be journey's end, where I've found an answer to my quest and I've come to rest, only to embark on the path of my true calling! 

 

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